Are Pro Sports Fans Suckers?

Edward Paltzik –Cynical answer: yes, the fans are suckers who pay outrageous prices to attend games.  Don’t blame the billionaire team owners, the millionaire players, or the empty-suit commissioners.  They’re just taking advantage of unsophisticated customers who don’t demand a better product and lower prices.  Sure, pro sports owners are not civic-minded, nor are they paragons of ethics, but they are shrewd businessmen. Altruism and profits don’t mix.

Let’s also consider a different perspective. Maybe pro sports leagues really are altruistic institutions offering great product at a reasonable price.  After all, when you burn a week’s salary to take your kids to that crucial regular-season battle for third place in the midst of an interminable season, you do get a lot for your money.  Consider some of the benefits of attending a pro sports event:

Improved Orthopedic Health.  Most people think that the seats at pro sports stadiums are sized for midgets so that teams can pack more people in to increase profits. Little-known fact: the real reason the seats are so tiny is to combat the nationwide back-pain epidemic.  That decadently comfortable couch in your living room, like most things that make you happy, is actually really bad for you! On the other hand, those rock-hard micro-seats at the stadium are medically proven to support your lumbar region.  Maybe pro sports owners do care about the fans. 

Next-Level Urination.  Peeing is generally a mundane experience.  Not so at state-of-the-art pro sports venues, which have special shallow, oddly-angled urinals. These are actually “interactive urinals” that deflect your pee back from whence it came.  Isn’t that more fun than using the same old boring toilet within hopping distance of the sofa?  Lots of folks are tired of walking out of bathrooms with dry pants.  Interactive urinals merely tap into this widespread sentiment.  Fun for almost the whole family (sorry ladies)!  Best enjoyed with light-colored jeans that really show the saturation. 

Improved Personal Hygiene.   This benefit requires a little luck.  You will need to be sitting in the right place (preferably the bleachers) to score a refreshing shower administered by a pair of courteous 300 lb. gentlemen.  You’ve had a long, sweaty day in the office working hard to support your family.  You deserve to be clean.  Good thing Big Sal and his cousin Bobby Boombatz directly behind you are so unselfish.  Their Budweisers cost $15 each and yet these guys were generous enough to splash most of this precious liquid all over you while drunkenly cheering a home run.  Thank them later with a couple of drinks on you  (recommended etiquette).

Sharper Eyesight.  Another gripe we often hear from stay-at-home sports fans is that it’s difficult to see the action at the ballpark.  Stay-at-home fans may have huge TVs, but they lack the adventurous spirit that made this nation great.  You can’t truly experience all the world has to offer if you lack a spirit of adventure.  Take the Donner Party, for example.  If they weren’t adventurous,  they never would have breathed that healthy mountain air of the Sierra Nevada, and that would have been a shame.  But getting out of the house has other health benefits besides fresh air.  Fans in the know are familiar with a recent peer-reviewed American Academy of Ophthalmology study which conclusively determined that fans who attend at least five live sporting events per year are 36% less likely to require contacts or glasses, provided they sit at least 286 feet from the playing field.  In fact, the AAO researchers even confirmed one instance of a blind fan permanently regaining his eyesight as a result of watching the Cubs from obstructed-view seats for an entire summer.  According to the AAO study, the act of straining your eyes to detect distant movements causes irregularities in the eye to self-correct.   The lesson here is simple: so-called “bad” seats are priceless.

Affordable Gourmet Food.   Normally, you’d have to go to a French restaurant with a Zagat’s rating approaching 30 to savor elite-level food.  And those places have a waiting list for reservations stretching several years into the future.  Even if you somehow managed to score a coveted reservation, you’re looking at $100 for a walnut drizzled with a fig demi-glace.  That’s not cost-effective.  On the other hand, you can enjoy the same caliber of food at pro sports stadiums nowadays.  For the reasonable price of $8, all pro sports venues offer a delectable bovine rectum sheathed in a lightly seasoned intestine casing, plus your choice of sugary beverage.  Hard to beat that deal.  Some uneducated fans call these treats “hot dogs,” but they are mistaken.  We know that for certain because no one would have the audacity to charge $8 for a hot dog.

Prepare Kids for the Real World.  Pro sporting events prepare kids for the real world in four respects: kids learn to sleep less, learn how people really talk, learn not to trust anyone, and learn not to put too much effort into anything.  Let’s look at each of these benefits in detail. 

First, the sleep benefit.  So-called “responsible” parents impose early bedtimes on their children.  However, grownups don’t go to bed at 8 PM, so why should kindergarteners? Psychiatrists now agree that these early bedtimes lower children’s self-esteem by depriving them of the opportunity to watch enriching prime-time TV, thus making them think they are not equal to adults.  We also end up with adults who can’t shake the habit of early bedtimes and are thus unable to work 16-hour days.  Fortunately, pro sports leagues are gradually saving us from this serious cultural problem.  How are they doing it? By starting showcase games well past normal juvenile bedtimes.  Genius!  Major League Baseball is the real trailblazer here.  For years, MLB has started World Series games well after 8 PM.  At first, parents were outraged that their baseball-loving kids had to forfeit sleep in order to watch the ballgames until midnight in a half-stupor, then get home from the ballpark at 2 AM with class beginning at 8 AM the next day.  But MLB’s persistence has paid off.  Studies show that 89% of American children under the age of 10 now consider themselves equal to their parents in all respects, up from 0% in 1955.  However, a few discredited studies claim that the last few generations of children actually did go to sleep at 8 PM, didn’t attend any World Series games, don’t give a damn about baseball, and think the sport is deathly boring.  Wild stuff.  Bottom line: day games bad, late-night games good.

Second, the language benefit.  Live sporting events teach kids how people actually talk!  Your best bet is pro football, particularly an Oakland Raider game, and preferably with a couple of seats in the world-renowned Black Hole section.  The NFL is well-known for its articulate fans, and kids who don’t get to experience the auditory wonders of football fandom are really missing out.  A Raider game in particular offers even more auditory diversity than other venues, as your child will hear the enthusiastic chants of paroled felons, escaped asylum patients who suffer from vivid pirate delusions, and socially repressed accountants who blow off steam by wearing a Darth Vader mask for 3 hours every Sunday, to name a few.  If you’re lucky, the youngster may even get to witness the police beating back rioting fans after the game.   

Finally, taking your kids to pro sports events teaches them two other valuable lessons: don’t trust anyone, they will all break your heart eventually, and don’t put too much effort into anything, because it won’t work out in the end.  Fulfillment of these two lessons requires long-term patience, prescience, and some luck. You will need to take your kid to the same team’s games for many years, then hope that the team moves to a different city.  The idea here is to get your kid emotionally invested in a team, then watch his heart get ripped out when the team leaves for greener pastures and betrays their loyal fans.  Short-term, it will be painful, but long-term, your child will benefit greatly by never forming any commitments.  As the wise Homer Simpson once said to Bart: “The lesson is, never try.”  Sadly, it’s too late to use the Hartford Whalers for this life lesson.

Cheering on the Home-Town Boys:  The best benefit of attending a ballgame.  Local pro athletes work hard to represent their hometown and it’s a crying shame to see poor attendance just because the local lads have a losing record.  For fan support to mean anything, it must be constant.  Recently, a nasty rumor has been making the rounds on the Internet that professional athletes are actually not from the cities in which they play, but don’t believe it.  One particularly persistent rumor is that most hockey players are Canadian.  There is a real anti-sports agenda out there, eh?  Fortunately, the rumor-mongers peddling this nonsense are just a vocal but tiny minority that won’t gain any mainstream traction.  Steven Matz pitches for the Mets, and he is from Long Island.  See? Clearly, all pro athletes are local products.  Also, Yoenis Cespedes, who singlehandedly led the Mets to a division title this past season with selfless disregard for his own financial well-being, was born and raised in Flushing, Queens, within sight of Shea Stadium.  He doesn’t speak English because he was so driven to play for his hometown Mets that he didn’t have time for anything other than baseball.  This has given rise to a bizarre rumor that he is actually a Cuban defector.  Look, the guy clobbers homers for one reason: he cares deeply about his fellow New Yorkers.  Watch him take a big pay cut this offseason to stay with the Mets for years to come.

Well, there you have it.  We started out considering the cynic’s perspective that pro sports fans are suckers.  But, by keeping an open mind and considering another viewpoint, we learned that fans are actually getting a great bargain.  Conclusion: pro sports leagues are definitely altruistic institutions that put fans first and profit a distant second.

HERE Is WHAT WILL HAPPEN If The DEEP STATE TAKES DOWN PRESIDENT TRUMP & It’s NOT PRETTY … FOR THEM “The tree of liberty must be refreshed with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” – Thomas Jefferson ELDER PATRIOT – Corrupt politicians ignore Jefferson’s directive to their own detriment. It’s no longer political, it’s personal. Americans have had their eyes opened by the ascension of Donald Trump and no amount of leftwing money can put the Freedom Movement genie back in the bottle. Conservative Senator Ted Cruz made that observation after reviewing the results of the 2016 elections and the expectations of the voters. Cruz, who had the most high profile personality clash with Donald Trump during the Republican primary process nevertheless embraced Trump’s America First agenda and said, “If we’re given the White House and both houses of Congress and we don’t deliver, I think there will be pitchforks and torches in the streets. And I think quite rightly.” Candidate Trump promised many things – border control, lower taxes, fairer trade relations, a balanced budget, healthcare that puts the people first not the government, safer communities, and – to the extent possible – an end to foreign wars. What, among those promises, should any Republican, nay any American, have a problem with? After four months without a single legislative achievement, Congressional and Senatorial Republicans – notably John McCain, Paul Ryan and Lindsey Graham – have joined the Democrats in investigating President Trump absent a single shred of evidence that an underlying crime has been committed. So, what gives? Well, there was one additional promise that Trump made on his way to the White House that has some Republicans joining with Democrats and quaking in their boots, Trump’s promise to “Drain the Swamp.” As we reported yesterday, “An F.B.I. agent with ‘intimate knowledge of the inner workings of the Clinton case’ told us that they uncovered evidence of such massive corruption that the agents involved realized that damned near the entire government could be brought down.” The criminal co-conspirators in both parties realized almost immediately that the new sheriff wasn’t interested in joining them in the swamp so they launched, what can only be characterized as, a coup attempt. Democrats are well schooled in such things probably because of their close alliance with Marxist regimes that can only gain power by seizing it through bloody civil wars. It should be noted that the Democratic Party has already done this once before. One Hundred and Fifty-Seven years ago the Democrats waged a war against the First Republican President Abraham Lincoln for giving Blacks their freedom. That war came at a high price, as many as 700,000 Americans died fighting for what they believe in. To put that in perspective, these casualties exceed the nation’s loss in all its other wars, from the Revolution through Vietnam. Today, Americans are still prepared to fight and die to protect their children’s God-given freedoms. Despite what you are reading and hearing in the mainstream media, they aren’t the leftwing-funded rioters, the pussy hat-wearing feminists, or the cuck bois that cant handle a micro aggression. No, the Americans that back Donald Trump are well armed. Donald Trump’s presidency will move forward politically lest the sixty million patriots who voted for him, that are comprised of the large majority of military voters, police, and NRA members, move it forward by force. These patriots are armed, trained, prepared, and have proven their discipline. They have grown disgusted by the corruption in Washington and will do whatever is necessary to make sure Trump’s Freedom Agenda moves forward and under the direction of Donald Trump himself. No amount of fake news based on unsubstantiated charges by unnamed sources is going to change that. The battle lines have been drawn and no amount of finger pointing is going to convince these patriots to let anyone overturn the election results. So why are establishment politicians courting a bloodbath on the streets of America that will also threaten them personally when they could be part of Making America Great Again? It’s because they have been caught red-handed and up to their eyeballs in a worldwide criminal conspiracy that has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with defrauding the American taxpayers. And, now that they’ve been caught robbing the world’s largest bank – the U.S. treasury – they have chosen to go out in a blaze of glory rather than try to defend the indefensible at trial. Washington’s criminal elites have chosen to go to war to unseat our duly elected president. It’s time to make our voices heard before this turns very ugly. Buckle your chin strap, America is counting on you. EDITORS NOTE: THIS IS NOT A CALL TO ARMS BUT RATHER AN ANALYSIS OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THE DEEP STATES OVERTURNS A DUELY ELECTED PRESIDENT. HERE IS A LIST OF EVERY SINGLE TIME OBAMA COMMITTED AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE THAT DEMS & MEDIA COVERED UP “Impeach!” It’s been more than eight years since Democrats uttered that word – long enough for anyone to wonder if it was still in their vocabulary, considering the deafening silence through the dozens of serious scandals during President Obama’s administration – but now that President Trump is the man in the White House, it’s back with a vengeance. Democrats everywhere are wildly slinging the “I” word, hoping to nail Trump for high crimes and misdemeanors after the New York Times claimed a memo written by former FBI Director James Comey said the president urged him to end the federal investigation into former national security adviser Michael Flynn. Some members of Congress are getting in on the action. They include Reps. Maxine Water, D-Calif., and Al Green, D-Texas. Even a Republican, Rep. Justin Amash, claimed Wednesday there are grounds to impeach President Trump. House Oversign Committee Chair Rep. Jason Chaffetz, R-Utah, asked for the alleged Comey memo and other documents. Chaffetz tweeted that he is prepared to subpoena the information. And Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., invoked “Watergate.” Now the Democratic Party is reportedly poll testing impeachment as a 2018 election issue. More than 1 million people signed a petition calling on Congress to impeach Trump. Wasting no time Wednesday, the mainstream media sprang into action, enthusiastically echoing the left’s impeachment calls. MSNBC launched a Watergate ad implying Trump is America’s new Richard Nixon. “Watergate. We know its name because there were reporters who never stopped asking questions,” says MSNBC host Chris Hayes, who hinted that Trump is next on the impeachment chopping block. “Now, who knows where the questions will take us. But I know this: I’m not going to stop asking them.” Meanwhile, some overzealous members of the left plastered fliers around Washington, D.C., demanding all White House staffers resign Wednesday. The posters read: “If you work for this White House you are complicit in hate-mongering, lies, corrupt taking of Americans’ tax money via self-dealing and emoluments, and quite possibly federal crimes and treason. Also, any wars will be on your soul. … Resign now.” But constitutional scholar Jonathan Turley, who voted for President Obama, warned “impeachment” enthusiasts not to get ahead of themselves with President Trump. Why? At this time, there’s no evidence Trump actually committed a crime. “The criminal code demands more than what Comey reportedly describes in his memo,” Turley wrote in a May 17 opinion piece posted at the Hill. Turley explained: For the first time, the Comey memo pushes the litany of controversies surrounding Trump into the scope of the United States criminal code. However, if this is food for obstruction of justice, it is still an awfully thin soup. Some commentators seem to be alleging criminal conduct in office or calling for impeachment before Trump completed the words of his inaugural oath of office. Not surprising, within minutes of the New York Times report, the response was a chorus of breathless “gotcha” announcements. But this memo is neither the Pentagon Papers nor the Watergate tapes. Indeed, it raises as many questions for Comey as it does Trump in terms of the alleged underlying conduct. A good place to start would be with the federal law, specifically 18 U.S.C. 1503. The criminal code demands more than what Comey reportedly describes in his memo. There are dozens of different variations of obstruction charges ranging from threatening witnesses to influencing jurors. None would fit this case. That leaves the omnibus provision on attempts to interfere with the “due administration of justice.” However, that still leaves the need to show that the effort was to influence “corruptly” when Trump could say that he did little but express concern for a longtime associate. The term “corruptly” is actually defined differently under the various obstruction provisions, but it often involves a showing that someone acted “with the intent to secure an unlawful benefit for oneself or another.” Encouraging leniency or advocating for an associate is improper but not necessarily seeking an unlawful benefit for him. . Obama’s Iran nuke deal Obama knew about Hillary’s private email server Obama IRS targets conservatives Obama’s DOJ spies on AP reporters Obamacare & Obama’s false promises Illegal-alien amnesty by executive order Benghazi-gate Operation Fast & Furious 5 Taliban leaders for Bergdahl Extortion 17 ‘Recess ‘ appointments – when Senate was in session Appointment of ‘czars’ without Senate approval Suing Arizona for enforcing federal law Refusal to defend Defense of Marriage Act Illegally conducting war against Libya NSA: Spying on Americans Muslim Brotherhood ties Miriam Carey Birth certificate Executive orders Solyndra and the lost $535 million Egypt Cap & Trade: When in doubt, bypass Congress Refusal to prosecute New Black Panthers Obama’s U.S. citizen ‘hit list’